They're Not Even Polishing the Turds Anymore: Oakland Raiders

OAKLAND RAIDERS

BRAGGING RIGHTS

Al Davis has owned the Raiders since the start.  And in that time, they’ve won 3 Superbowls and two more AFC Championships.  The terms “Commitment to Excellence” and “Just Win Baby” were made famous by the Raiders.  (Can you young 'uns believe that one?)

WHERE IT ALL STARTED TO GO WRONG

Well, Big Al is effectively in charge of personnel.  And in free agent and draft terms, that’s been a total disaster.

But worse had been the coaching situation, again, brought about by Big Al. 

He hounded the good coaches - Mike Shanahan (two Superbowls in his next job), John Gruden (one Superbowl in his next job and three playoffs with the Raiders) and Lane Kiffin (who he famously fired by overhead projector) - out.

He hired….

Bill Callaghan – who took just two years to short-sheet Gruden’s bed.

Norv Turner – who looked totally aimless on the sideline while the team went 9 and 23.

Art Shell – who hadn’t coached in 12 years and hired a bed-and-breakfast owner as offensive coordinator in going 2-14.

Tom Cable – well he’s still there (not because they’ve started winning of course), but he’s had some strife with accusations of wife, girlfriend and assistant coach beating (in that order we think).  Cables strength appears to be that he’s a sycophant.

WHAT THEY DID TO GET SO GOOD THIS YEAR

If you’ve been following our weekly updates (and I know you haven’t from the WebStats I get), or if you have any knowledge of the NFL, you’ll know they can’t draft, annually have their pants pulled down in a trade with the Patriots, overpay free agents they then have to release (Javon Walker, De’Angelo Hall), and Cable himself seems to be, in head coaching terms, as dumb as a box of rocks.

WHERE THEY ARE NOW

They’re 2-7.  One of those games they beat the Eagles…. No-one’s got any fucking idea how that happened, but it’s surely gambling-related. 

But the best is almost certainly yet to come.  No-one dogs a game like the Raiders.  If it looks a little tough early, they’re packing up.  Wait until it starts to get cold, they’re gonna really stink.

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

Al, you gotta retire.  You silly old bastard.

And stop fucking up my Sundays.  Turds.

Wife Pulls Knife on Husband over Vodka

From Arizona Central....

Police said a woman threatened her husband with a 7-inch knife after he threw away her bottle of vodka as she slept in their suburban Detroit home.
Clawson police Lt. Scott Sarvello told The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak the man returned home from work Sunday night to find his wife sleeping with a bottle of vodka. He threw away the bottle.
Sarvello said the 34-year-old woman woke up, argued with her husband, went back to sleep, then got up again and grabbed a knife from the kitchen to force him to get her vodka or give her the car keys.
Police said the man held her at bay with a chair while he called 911.
She was arrested and found to have a blood-alcohol level of 0.23 percent. She was arraigned Tuesday on a felony charge of assault with a dangerous weapon.

Jeez, if I had a pound for every time my wife pulled a knife on me and I had to hold her off with a chair while I called 911, I'd have enough money to move to a country that wasn't full of ugly people.

And as you can imagine, there were numerous times it was over alcohol (mine).  Sometimes it was over pornography (she found it).  Sometimes (actually, an inordinate amount of time) it was over the TV, namely, my abuse of the shit she was watching.  Occasionally it was about snoring.  Mostly it was when I was 8 to 14 hours late home for a meal (hitting deadlines was not my strong suit). 


But the cops were always total professionals.  No-one ever breathalysed her and charged her with felony assault.  These cops clearly don't understand domestic issues.  Standard operating procedure in my experience is to calm her down with a slap or two, and then 15 minutes in the cuffs.  Sure, the first 5 or 10, she's still screaming, but I can promise she's bawling to get out after 15.

No need for time at the courthouse. 

Clawson Police Lt Scott Sarvell - OUT.

Brazilian Girl's Short Skirt Gets Her Expelled

From ABC...

In Brazil, famed for its tiny bikinis and carefree attitude, a university student has been expelled after violent protests by students outraged at the short outfit she wore on campus. The Universidade Bandeirante (Uniban) said it had expelled the student, Geysi Villa Nova Arruda, 20, for “flagrant disrespect of ethical principles, academic dignity and morality,” in a statement published in some Sunday newspapers. Her dress sparked student protests on October 22 in this largely Roman Catholic country.  A video showed Arruda sitting in a classroom in a mid-thigh length red dress, then six military police officers protecting her as she left the campus wearing a white jacket.  A line of students stood by chanting “whore.”

Woah, woah, woah, woah.

Obviously these means we’re taking the Olympics off them, right?

I mean the entire reason they got the Olympics was those thong shots on the beach in Rio.  Tokyo, Madrid and Chicago spent millions on promotion and feasibility studies and bribes and one of them elected Obama.  Rio just held up eight different photographs of women on the beach in Rio, cost them 20 real.  Easy.

Anyway, that much is obvious – no Olympics.  Expect Samaranch to come out of retirement to make the announcement any day, the silly old bastard.

But I don’t think that’s going far enough – personally, I think we’ve got to invade.  SIX MILITARY OFFICERS escort her out of the school, while the students line up and call her whore?  (Or to be accurate, “prostituta” in Portugese for those of you planning to travel there – it wasn’t in my guidebook).

I’d demand some immediate clarification from President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, and if it doesn’t come up that think was an aberration, I’m going to have to demand a military insurrection.

P.S.  They ever had anything that looked like that at your university?  Can't believe I didn't consider Brazil.

Taxi driver 'attacked' after sex in car

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Toyota Quits Formula One

Toyota has officially dropped out of Formula One. 
Nine years and TWO POINT FUCKING FOUR BILLION DOLLARS without a single race victory.  As you can see, Toyota Motorsport Chairman Tadashi Yamashina did NOT take it well.

So can we finally give the Toyota fucking Way thing a rest now?

Priest Removed From Duties Over Pictures

From Scranton....
A priest has been removed from his duties after church officials say he accidentally displayed inappropriate pictures from his computer before Sunday Mass.  The Diocese of Scranton said the Rev. Edward Lyman was using his computer on Oct. 25 to project an informational DVD about the annual diocesan fundraiser when four photos were displayed. They featured what church officials describe as “minimally attired adult males.”  Lyman has been removed as administrator of St. Anthony, St. Bridget and St. John the Baptist parishes in Throop. The diocese would not say where he is.

Yeah.  "Accidentally".   Accidentally displayed FOUR photos.  I bet the old pervert had to be dragged away from the pointer.  And only the good Lord knows what was coming on the "informational DVD" he was about to play.

Nice follow-up too.  "Minimally attired adult males".  What the fuck does that mean?  Is it just me or has journalism just gone down the shitter since the days of Woodward and Bernstein?  If we're to truly ridicule Ted Lyman here, we need some more detail.  Was this the Chippendales we're talking about?  Were they wearing some sort of Caligula outfit?  Were they dressed like Z's gimp in Pulp Fiction?  Or just a dog collar and leather hat?    And positioned how?  Are we tallking GC pose here?  Some sort of gymnastics?  The wheelbarrow?

I'm struggling to get 5 lines out of what should be the story of the year.  But I've not got much to work with here.  I bet the church even gave them that quote. Where's the quote from Mrs Livingstone who was "distraught and almost fainted when the images came up on the screen.... I've been coming ot church here for 37 years, but I won't be back"?  And Farmer Reynolds, "Well, my wife mades me come here, but if I'da knowed this were going on, I'da been here every week!"

Piss poor journalism.  That's the real crime here.

Teacher Fired for Penthouse Shoot

From stuff.co.nz

A New Zealand primary school teacher who appeared naked on Australian Penthouse's website is being investigated by the New Zealand Teachers Council.
Rachel Whitwell, girlfriend of pornographer Steve Crow, is featured in six saucy photos, including two totally nude shots and two topless poses, on australianpenthouse.com.au.
The 27-year-old boasts of what she does for a living and that she is from New Zealand in the "New Aussie Babes" section.
"I am a 26-year-old single schoolteacher from New Zealand that would love to get into modelling," Whitwell, who uses the nickname Lexy, is quoted as saying.
"I've written erotic stories for an R-rated magazine and run my own pole-dancing studio."


Families First's Bob McCoskrie said the images were "not a good look". "Teachers are role models and having a teacher linked with Penthouse is taking things too far," McCoskrie said.
"This is something the teachers council should be having a very hard look at."


Whitwell, who told Sunday News she was also interested in becoming a paramedic, said the naked images did not change the fact that she was a good teacher.


First of all, can’t you just tell the dirty perverts like Bob McCoskrie and his fellow members of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club went straight out and bought a copy of the issue just so they could confirm whether or not it was something worth looking at?

Look, this is clearly just poor management. Everywhere I go, people tell me three serious problems face schools in this generation: Truancy and drop-out rates of young boys, involvement of male role models in the school, and recruitment of male teachers.

Well, hello dickheads if Rachel isn’t a building block to bridging all three of those problems. “Detention with Miss Whitwell”… “You bet Miss!!” Father-Son day at that shitty New Zealand school? Perfect attendance. Recruitment problems for male teachers? Whack a photo of Rach on the ad, and you’ll have Harvard grads flying over. They’re only hurting themselves – they just haven’t thought it through.

Second – why would she want to teach anyway with her CV? Boyfriend – pornographer. Writer of erotic stories for an R-rated magazine. Manager of pole-dancing studio. I have no idea – I remember what zoos my classes were and from what I hear it’s got worse. I mean, was there any other way this was going to go once she became “the girlfriend of pornographer, Steve Crow”?  Don't know what she's thinking with this paramedic thing - dudes will be dialling 911 with heart attacks just hoping she fronts up.

P.S. What do you reckon's the going playground value for that stick book at that primary school? A bottle of liquor? A year’s lunch money? A bike?

Bikini Pageant Draws Fire

Feminists have attacked a multimedia beauty pageant in which men cast votes on bikini-clad women.  Sportsmodel.TV is using the lure of a career in modelling or as a television presenter to encourage hundreds of women to upload images of themselves posing in swimwear.  Visitors to the competition's website can vote on those they consider most attractive.
The managing director of advocacy group Women's Network Australia, Lynette Palmen, said she was appalled women were once again being put on display.  "We see it every day ... whether it's a billboard or a magazine, the exploitation of women and judging people on their looks will always be a drawcard for attracting men to a product or service," she said.
Pageant contestants who amass the most votes each month will be whittled down to a group of finalists.  A final group of 20 will compete for a five-day training program at the "Sportsmodel.TV Academy" to polish their media presentation or modelling skills.
The man behind Sportsmodel.TV, Matthew Skene, said the 140-plus women already taking part ranged from finance workers to scientists.  "Sportsmodel.TV offers a unique opportunity for talented and beautiful women to break into the increasingly competitive television and beauty industry," Skene said.

OK, OK – at first, I didn’t think this was a story either.  Just figured the headline needed translation: “Whiny, Ugly Bitch Complains Men Are Looking At Women Other Than Her”.

But then I spotted it – there’s something much more sinister going on…. This particular whiny, ugly bitch (photo here) is out to destroy the entire fabric of our capitalist economy.  Look carefully: “judging people on their looks will always be a drawcard for attracting men to a product or service.”  And she wants to outlaw it.

Whoa, whoa – slow down there, Stalin.  If Palmen thinks she’s going to start turning back the clock to a world where people can’t promote their products, she’s got a battle coming.  I mean what do you think destroyed the Soviet Union?  Why are dictator-ridden African countries in ruin?  All the women being ugly and not being used to promote anything.  That’s why it cost a month’s wages for a potato – they were the only thing economically viable to sell with no good-looking people to promote them. 

I mean it’s Economics 101 – ugly people pay big money to good looking people to do things so that the good looking people can become a) more attractive to look at and b) help the rich people become richer so they can pay even better looking people to do things.  You start pulling on that thread Palmen, and you’ll fuck the delicate balance of the economy up for everybody. Credit crunch - that was nothing if this dangerous bitch's words have legs.

Palmen OUT NOW.  You can do your bit by voting here:  http://www.sportsmodel.tv/

P.S.  How good was Matthew Skene’s reply?  Apparently one of them was a cashier at a bank (“finance worker”), and another donated blood last month (“scientist”).  I'm kidding - like he has any idea what they did for a living.

Wet T-Shirt Problem in Australia

From the Daily Telegraph....

A wet T-shirt controversy has broken out among female firefighters who have complained about their new Rural Fire Service uniforms, The Daily Telegraph reports. Women complained that when they sweat, handle leaking hoses, wash or fill their trucks and even when it rains, their male colleagues can see through their new shirts, “Most women aren’t too happy about it. We’re not doing the job to be glamorous. We’re not sex objects,” Sydney volunteer Maryann Berndt, 34, said yesterday. “You can get quite wet on the fire ground, you always get wet from leaking hoses or filling up the trucks.” In an email forwarded to Opposition emergency services spokeswoman Melinda Pavey, another female firefighter wrote: “I do not like the yellow long sleeved T-shirts for the fact that after you have rolled a few wet hoses or ended up with water all over you they become completely see-through.  “This isn’t much of an issue for the guys but not so flattering for the girlies.”

Well, first off, Maryann Berndt, 34…. NO-ONE, NO-ONE AT ALL, see-through top or not, is suggesting you are a sex object, my dear.  In fact, I’d prefer to be LEFT on fire than see you in a see-through top.  I can promise you, everyone is on your side in terms of you being given a uniform that covers your body in the same way a muumuu might.

I mean - what were the odds the complaint queue was headed up by a fat ginger woman?  Every single time.  I used to run a chain of bars, and whenever we put out new uniforms, it was always the fat ginger who’d complain and we’d have to start over.  Then we learnt – just don’t hire them.  Bam - no more uniform problems.

And that’s where things stand now for the Rural Fire Services for all practical purposes.  Either fit everyone out for muumuus, or fire all the fat gingers.  Definitely DO NOT kid yourselves that any other change of uniform is going to make the likes of the glamorous Maryann Berndt, 34, happy.

However, make some personnel changes, and you could go THIS direction:

Please note, I am going absolutely nowhere near the range of double entendres in that article - it took all my might, and I'm proud of myself.

Aussie Dwarf Jockey Race "Slammed"

From the Sun

A RACING stunt Down Under featuring dwarf jockeys riding on race goers backs has been slammed by equality groups.

The performance involved the tiny actors being carried on the backs of punters and racing for 50 metres in front of hundreds of baying spectators.

Outraged horse race bosses were fuming over the sick stunt - held at the Cranbourne Cup in Melbourne, Australia - while dwarf groups say it will make life harder for short people.

Jonathon Tripp, head of the Short Statured People's Association, said: "I know people who are actors and do plays and skits for a living but this is more like taking the mickey out of us.

"They could have used real jockeys but they used short-statured people to get more laughs.''

A spokeswoman for Racing Victoria Limited said the event was intended to be "harmless fun".

First off - if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and watch the video....

Next up - the "Short Statured People's Association"? Woeful branding there people. And by the drivel coming out of Jonathan Tripp's mouth, if he's taking decisions at that joint, it's no surprise.

Tripp has just shown a total lack of sensitivty to the feelings of the people he claims to "represent". Get a load of the little bloke who won it - he's ecstatic. It's the moment of his life. Like all little blokes, he couldn't dream of winning a footy grand final or getting drafted to the NBA - he's got to dream about crossing the line first in the big race with the crowd geeing him on. And this is HIS moment - his dream, the unfolding of years of hard work, 5am starts and bruising falls. Look at his determination - maybe a little excessive use of the whip, but he knows what it takes to win.

"Making life harder for short people" - maybe that should be their motto.

And as for these "outraged horse race bosses" - who on earth are they kidding? Just take your mind back to the average race day - they can only put on 7 races a day, and they're 30 minutes apart, and, guess what - they're a total bore.... that's why everyone is degenerate gambling on every race in 6 states, and getting totally inebriated to the point of urinating on one another. Anything to put a spark under that is fine by me.

Tripp OUT.