Britain's Got Talent

What’s your thinking on Sophie Monk?

For mine, it’s the team that continues to disappoint.  I mean all the pieces are there to make it work – blonde, big lips, big jugs, and you can’t find technical fault with her legs, ass, etc.  She even plays the game well – almost impossible to find a shot of her not in a bikini, or tiny skirt, or showing off some side-boob.

But I just can’t get it to work for me as a package. 

"X", Eerrrt.  Got to vote her off.

They're Not Even Polishing The Turds Anymore - Part I

The NFL's salary cap blow-out over the past few years has meant that idiots who can’t analyse or coach personnel have their shittiness amplified.

Before, other teams had to get rid of some of their good players to keep the real good ones.

In 2005, the cap was $85.5m – now, just four years later, its $127m.

What that’s meant is if you’re the Colts or the Patriots or the Giants (i.e. can evaluate talent), you get to keep your good players until they’re not good anymore. Or, if after being shitty for a little while, you hire someone who can evaluate talent or coach (Dolphins, Parcells; Saints, Payton; Broncos, McDaniels, Atlanta, Smith/Dimitrioff), you can catch up quick in free agency and the draft with so much to spend.

If you can’t evaluate talent at the player or coaching level – i.e. Browns, Bills, Redskins, Raiders (oh fuck, the Raiders), you get to spend even more money on the wrong people, and the difference between you and the good teams is magnified.

Now, unfortunately, what this has done is in no time at all is make a dozen teams historically shitty, and six games a week total blowouts.

This is the first time that three teams have been undefeated after week 7, and the first time there’s ever been 3 winless teams.

In week 7, 11 of the 13 games were decided by double digits; a shocking six by four touchdowns or more.
Packers 31, Browns 3
Chargers 37, Chiefs 7
Colts 42, Rams 6
Patriots 35, Bucs 7
Jets 38, Raiders 0
Bengals 45, Bears 10

TOTALLY fucked my Sunday.  And it's been happening all year. 

I thought life couldn’t beat the experience of getting inebriated while following eight close finishing games at once in the 1pm slot, before them thankfully dropping it down to 4 in the 4pm slot while I was totalled.

This year, most are over at quarter-time. Now I’m starting to doubt whether I should even divorce my wife for this.

Detroit were last year the first team ever to lose all 16 games after the Patriots had won all 16 games the year before. Someone this year is going to give at least one of them company.

Now, some teams are just stuck in inertia. Mobs like the Bills, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston, Seattle and the 49ers. They’re worthy of ongoing disrespect, for sure – much like Vanderbilt’s college football program, or LL Cool J's acting career.

But there are some special teams out there that deserve some concentrated abuse for how they’ve fucked it up. The reasons are a little different, but when your team’s worth a billion, you shouldn’t be fucking it up this bad.

So I’m going to have a significant and focussed piss and moan about the Browns, Chiefs, Raiders, Bucs, Lions, Rams and Redskins for fucking up my expensive NFL Sunday package, and my Sundays.

Who's first?

DAAG, 66, found with stripper, 18, and sex toys in cemetery

From the Sydney Morning Herald

A US Deputy Assistant Attorney-General, who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle, has been fired.

Roland Corning, 66, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery in Columbia, South Carolina, when an officer spotted him on Monday, according to a police report.

As the officer approached, Mr Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery, Officer Michael Wines wrote in his report, though he did not elaborate.

Mr Corning gave Officer Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney-General's Office.

Officer Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Mr Corning was telling the truth.

He then searched the SUV, where he found a Viagra pill and several sex toys, items Mr Corning said he always kept with him, "just in case", according to the report.

Mr Corning and the woman were let go without charges. Officer Wines's wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney-General Henry McMaster.

Wow…. If I had a pound for every time I took a stripper from a club to a secluded part of a downtown cemetery with a Viagra and a glovebox full of sex toys and got busted by the cops…well, then I’d have three pounds.  I know I know, you’d think I would have learned my lesson after the first time.  You know how the saying goes, “Fool me once…”

But I tell you what I never did have was “Snitchin’” Mrs Wines on the spot to dob me in to my boss and get me fired! Sure, it was a bit tough having the wife testify in court the toys were hers and me pull an Eddie Murphy and say I was taking the young lass to visit her dead aunt, but I never lost my job behind it.  I know who I’d be putting in the cemetery next.

P.S.  Just the same - how good is Roland Corning going though?  66 years old, and he’s still keeping Viagra and sex toys in an emergency “break glass” kit “just in case” he pulls a stripper.  I mean this guy’s got it going on better than that old bastard who married Anna Nicole Smith.  He must be like “who gives a fuck”… he’s gotta be six months from retirement anyway. 

Champions of Facebook: I Suspect Mike Was Driving.

Fat People Boogie at "Club Bounce"

Long Island (AP)

Move over, it’s Saturday night at Club Bounce and people are bouncing onto the dance floor in a big, big way. These are big, big people, all dressed to the nines and many tipping the scales at 250, maybe 300 pounds. That’s because this expansive nightclub a couple blocks from the Pacific Ocean, with its flashing lights, friendly atmosphere and wall-rattling hip-hop sounds, caters specifically to fat people. That’s right, fat people. Not just any fat people, either, but fat people who are proud to call themselves fat people. People who joke that they are part of the new Fat is Phat movement. The movement for equal rights for plus-sized people is nothing new of course. The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, with chapters around the country, was founded 40 years ago. A nonprofit group, it advocates that everyone be treated equally regardless of size, arguing that we don’t live in a one-size-fits-all world. But what has been slower coming, fat advocates say, are places like Club Bounce, where people who might have some trouble getting past the velvet ropes at other night spots because of their size are made to feel like they fit right in. But veteran fat activist Lynn McAfe of the Council On Size and Weight Discrimination would like to see more clubs. Lisa Marie Garbo, who opened Club Bounce five years ago, says she prefers plus-sized or larger-framed. “But I don’t think fat is a bad word anymore,” she adds. “I think a lot of people embrace it now.” Garbo, a vivacious, 40-year-old blonde partial to flamboyant outfits of tight-fitting pants and low-cut tops, said she opened the club for herself and others who were tired of being “the only fat girl at the local nightclub.”

This is genius.  

One of Adam Smith's principles in "Wealth of Nations" was the concept of specialisation.   And narrowing your market to this niche allows you to focus on what's best for that market.  No stairs.  Re-inforced flooring.  Livestock gates for doorways.  Extra wide Fire Exits.  Menus with added extras like "Available with One Chicken or an Entire Cake".   Wide cubicles.  Meatloaf look-a-like night.  Hell, "Meatloaf Night" - dress as one, and/or eat one.  


Did I miss anything?

 

Teacher Fired for Penthouse Shoot

From stuff.co.nz

A New Zealand primary school teacher who appeared naked on Australian Penthouse's website is being investigated by the New Zealand Teachers Council.
Rachel Whitwell, girlfriend of pornographer Steve Crow, is featured in six saucy photos, including two totally nude shots and two topless poses, on australianpenthouse.com.au.
The 27-year-old boasts of what she does for a living and that she is from New Zealand in the "New Aussie Babes" section.
"I am a 26-year-old single schoolteacher from New Zealand that would love to get into modelling," Whitwell, who uses the nickname Lexy, is quoted as saying.
"I've written erotic stories for an R-rated magazine and run my own pole-dancing studio."


Families First's Bob McCoskrie said the images were "not a good look". "Teachers are role models and having a teacher linked with Penthouse is taking things too far," McCoskrie said.
"This is something the teachers council should be having a very hard look at."


Whitwell, who told Sunday News she was also interested in becoming a paramedic, said the naked images did not change the fact that she was a good teacher.


First of all, can’t you just tell the dirty perverts like Bob McCoskrie and his fellow members of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club went straight out and bought a copy of the issue just so they could confirm whether or not it was something worth looking at?

Look, this is clearly just poor management. Everywhere I go, people tell me three serious problems face schools in this generation: Truancy and drop-out rates of young boys, involvement of male role models in the school, and recruitment of male teachers.

Well, hello dickheads if Rachel isn’t a building block to bridging all three of those problems. “Detention with Miss Whitwell”… “You bet Miss!!” Father-Son day at that shitty New Zealand school? Perfect attendance. Recruitment problems for male teachers? Whack a photo of Rach on the ad, and you’ll have Harvard grads flying over. They’re only hurting themselves – they just haven’t thought it through.

Second – why would she want to teach anyway with her CV? Boyfriend – pornographer. Writer of erotic stories for an R-rated magazine. Manager of pole-dancing studio. I have no idea – I remember what zoos my classes were and from what I hear it’s got worse. I mean, was there any other way this was going to go once she became “the girlfriend of pornographer, Steve Crow”?  Don't know what she's thinking with this paramedic thing - dudes will be dialling 911 with heart attacks just hoping she fronts up.

P.S. What do you reckon's the going playground value for that stick book at that primary school? A bottle of liquor? A year’s lunch money? A bike?

Brady: WTF

This bloke’s got 3 sisters (no brothers), and now a wife.

Clearly, he has been listening to their advice (read: whining), and not those of his male colleagues.

The goat was a few years ago, and has been adequately ridiculed.  
But what's the thinking on the plane trip to London this week? 

Did he
a) not get the memo which said "dress confortably in sweats as its a long haul flight", or
b) have his fashion-ista wife insist he wear that suit.


For those who are married amongst us, I think we know the answer.
As Al Bundy would say, "She keeps me grounded... like fog at an airport."

Raiders Draft Watch - Week 7

WEEK 7
2007 1st Round Draft Pick: 6 of 11, 61 yards, no touchdowns, two picks, a fumble and BENCHED!!!.
2008 1st Round Draft Pick: Nothing - injured.
2009 1st Round Draft Pick: 2 catches, 28 yards... career high!

Outstanding contributions in a 0-38 loss.

Bikini Pageant Draws Fire

Feminists have attacked a multimedia beauty pageant in which men cast votes on bikini-clad women.  Sportsmodel.TV is using the lure of a career in modelling or as a television presenter to encourage hundreds of women to upload images of themselves posing in swimwear.  Visitors to the competition's website can vote on those they consider most attractive.
The managing director of advocacy group Women's Network Australia, Lynette Palmen, said she was appalled women were once again being put on display.  "We see it every day ... whether it's a billboard or a magazine, the exploitation of women and judging people on their looks will always be a drawcard for attracting men to a product or service," she said.
Pageant contestants who amass the most votes each month will be whittled down to a group of finalists.  A final group of 20 will compete for a five-day training program at the "Sportsmodel.TV Academy" to polish their media presentation or modelling skills.
The man behind Sportsmodel.TV, Matthew Skene, said the 140-plus women already taking part ranged from finance workers to scientists.  "Sportsmodel.TV offers a unique opportunity for talented and beautiful women to break into the increasingly competitive television and beauty industry," Skene said.

OK, OK – at first, I didn’t think this was a story either.  Just figured the headline needed translation: “Whiny, Ugly Bitch Complains Men Are Looking At Women Other Than Her”.

But then I spotted it – there’s something much more sinister going on…. This particular whiny, ugly bitch (photo here) is out to destroy the entire fabric of our capitalist economy.  Look carefully: “judging people on their looks will always be a drawcard for attracting men to a product or service.”  And she wants to outlaw it.

Whoa, whoa – slow down there, Stalin.  If Palmen thinks she’s going to start turning back the clock to a world where people can’t promote their products, she’s got a battle coming.  I mean what do you think destroyed the Soviet Union?  Why are dictator-ridden African countries in ruin?  All the women being ugly and not being used to promote anything.  That’s why it cost a month’s wages for a potato – they were the only thing economically viable to sell with no good-looking people to promote them. 

I mean it’s Economics 101 – ugly people pay big money to good looking people to do things so that the good looking people can become a) more attractive to look at and b) help the rich people become richer so they can pay even better looking people to do things.  You start pulling on that thread Palmen, and you’ll fuck the delicate balance of the economy up for everybody. Credit crunch - that was nothing if this dangerous bitch's words have legs.

Palmen OUT NOW.  You can do your bit by voting here:  http://www.sportsmodel.tv/

P.S.  How good was Matthew Skene’s reply?  Apparently one of them was a cashier at a bank (“finance worker”), and another donated blood last month (“scientist”).  I'm kidding - like he has any idea what they did for a living.

Champions of Facebook: Good Parenting

A particularly good way to start the parenting process is to envisage it like all other relationships - a competitive one, where spite can get you a win.
This, though, is a pretty classy effort from Bianca.
That will definitely teach him.

 

Raiders Draft Watch: Week 6

WEEK 6
2007 1st Round Draft Pick: 17 of 28, 221 yards, A TOUCHDOWN!, and two picks.
2008 1st Round Draft Pick: Nothing - injured.
2009 1st Round Draft Pick: No catches, 1 run for -1 yards.

13 points of offense.  Although somehow, they won.

NFL: The Bore Four

Why Houston, Tennessee, Jacksonville and Carolina are the worst franchises in the league.

You NEVER look forward to their game against your team – there’s no rivalry, no players to get excited about, nothing.  You don’t figure it’s a win, you don’t figure it’s a loss… you’re just bored.

Two of them are “sleepers” every year because everyone knows there’s 6 new playoff teams every year, and no-one can remember who plays for them.

Every second season, they go 5-11… and you don’t even remember when they went out of contention.

They have rightly never been tipped to win a playoff game.

All four coaches have had charisma by-passes. And so have the quarterbacks.

The coaches have been there forever – and inexplicably, never been under pressure.

I think one of the owners might be dead.  But how would you know?

They should just have the common decency to totally implode when things are going bad, in the way the…

• 49ers did – culminating in the HC mooning the players.
• Raiders have – culminating in the HC punching another coach and the owner firing the former HC by overhead projector.
• Redskins are – giving the playcalling job this week to a bingo-caller at a senior citizens centre in Detroit.
• Detroit did – just keep drafting and releasing WR’s until you go 0-16.
• Tampa are – sacking and releasing anyone who seems to know or be able to play football, perhaps to re-organise as florists.
• San Diego did – with the beautiful attempt to make the Ryan Leaf thing work.

Now THAT’S fun.

Get a personality guys – a good one, a bad one, who cares, just get one.  Otherwise, piss off to the UFL.   

Wet T-Shirt Problem in Australia

From the Daily Telegraph....

A wet T-shirt controversy has broken out among female firefighters who have complained about their new Rural Fire Service uniforms, The Daily Telegraph reports. Women complained that when they sweat, handle leaking hoses, wash or fill their trucks and even when it rains, their male colleagues can see through their new shirts, “Most women aren’t too happy about it. We’re not doing the job to be glamorous. We’re not sex objects,” Sydney volunteer Maryann Berndt, 34, said yesterday. “You can get quite wet on the fire ground, you always get wet from leaking hoses or filling up the trucks.” In an email forwarded to Opposition emergency services spokeswoman Melinda Pavey, another female firefighter wrote: “I do not like the yellow long sleeved T-shirts for the fact that after you have rolled a few wet hoses or ended up with water all over you they become completely see-through.  “This isn’t much of an issue for the guys but not so flattering for the girlies.”

Well, first off, Maryann Berndt, 34…. NO-ONE, NO-ONE AT ALL, see-through top or not, is suggesting you are a sex object, my dear.  In fact, I’d prefer to be LEFT on fire than see you in a see-through top.  I can promise you, everyone is on your side in terms of you being given a uniform that covers your body in the same way a muumuu might.

I mean - what were the odds the complaint queue was headed up by a fat ginger woman?  Every single time.  I used to run a chain of bars, and whenever we put out new uniforms, it was always the fat ginger who’d complain and we’d have to start over.  Then we learnt – just don’t hire them.  Bam - no more uniform problems.

And that’s where things stand now for the Rural Fire Services for all practical purposes.  Either fit everyone out for muumuus, or fire all the fat gingers.  Definitely DO NOT kid yourselves that any other change of uniform is going to make the likes of the glamorous Maryann Berndt, 34, happy.

However, make some personnel changes, and you could go THIS direction:

Please note, I am going absolutely nowhere near the range of double entendres in that article - it took all my might, and I'm proud of myself.

Champions of Facebook: Lest We Forget

Alysha - as sharp as a bag of wet hair.

One Dozen Turds

This is the worst season in memory for bad teams in the NFL. Before the season it looked bad, but over the past decade or so, teams have been leaping from the bowl to produce miracle seasons that restore faith – from the Rams in 99, the Patriots in 01, the Panthers in 03, all the way to the Falcons and Dolphins last year.

Not this year – with the exceptions of the Broncos, if they looked terrible pre-season, they have STAYED terrible. And it looks like its going to be epic. These dozen are shit, were out of contention by week 4, and there are five of the worst teams you’ll ever see.

WASHINGTON (2-3). Last week: 20-17 loss at Carolina, pissed away a 2-touchdown lead. Only wins came against unfathomly shite Rams and Bucs. Managed somehow to lose against Detroit, which no-one else has come close to doing in 18 months. Don’t be confused by their seemingly mediocre 2-3 record – they will get seriously worse when they commence playing some teams NOT on this list.

JACKSONVILLE (2-3). Last week: 41-0 loss at Seattle. Unsure how that is possible. The four most annoying teams in the league are Jacksonville, Houston, Tennessee and Carolina – but I’ll bore myself and my no readers another week about that.

HOUSTON (2-3). Last week: 28-21 loss at Arizona. Inexplicably managed to lose the game against Arizona three time – letting them out to 21-0, throwing an interception for a touchdown when they’d tied the score, then being unable to score 3 times from a yard out. Juuuust useless.

CAROLINA (1-3). Last week: 20-17 win vs. Washington. Couldn’t even bear to watch highlights of this. Unsure how you can only beat Washington by 3 without Delhomme throwing 5 interceptions.

BUFFALO (1-4). Last week: 6-3 loss vs. Cleveland. OK, it was windy, but this was the worst game I’ve ever seen. Trent Edwards threw a marvelous interception trying to decide between throwing the ball away out of the pocket, ignoring open receivers or throwing it at the only double-covered defender. Regressing badly despite having Lee Evans and Terrell Owens to throw to. He, though, was NOT the worst quarterback on the field.

DETROIT (1-4). Last week: 28-20 loss to Pittsburgh. The game was not remotely that close. Still suck – NOT showing signs of improvement.

CLEVELAND (1-4). Last week: 6-3 win at Buffalo. Anderson completed 2 (TWO!) of seventeen passes. My grandmother would have only done two worse; she’s been dead 13 years. The week before he played half a game and threw 3 interceptions. He replaced a bloke who was worse. These idiots traded away from the Mark Sanchez spot, and have since traded Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. It’s possible that they are actively trying to get worse – only explanation.

TENNESSEE (0-5). Last week: 31-9 loss vs. Indianapolis. That was awful from what is theoretically a good team that won 13 games in 2008. Now going back to last season, haven’t won a game in 8 starts since beating the Super Bowl winners away. Have been a yo-yo franchise forever. Something’s gotta change. Hilarity could be coming with another round of “The Vince Young Era”.

KANSAS CITY (0-5). Last week, 26-20 loss vs. Dallas (OT). Well, that had some respectability at least, but they’ve lost 28 of their last 30 games, 13 of them by a touchdown or less. Sounds like they’re close right? Doubt it – think teams just get bored in KC.

OAKLAND (1-4). Last week: 44-7 loss at N.Y. Giants. The 1pm slate was so bad last week, I watched this on Gamepass, purely for comedy value. Now people are giving Russell a hard time, largely because of the stats he’s (not) putting up. Well those stats don’t do him justice – he’s much worse. His fumbles looked like he hadn’t been informed that the opposition tries to chase and sack you. He looks lazy, slow, apathetic - so would I sitting on $60m.

TAMPA BAY (0-5). Last week: 33-14 loss at Philadelphia. These guys have totally fucked the dog. Whether or not you thought Gruden should go, what’s happening there now is not the solution. Pick out a win on their schedule for me, will you?

ST. LOUIS (0-5). Last week: 38-10 loss vs. Minnesota. I haven’t seen a game these blokes have played this year or last. See the odd highlight of a strip-sack by their opponent being returned for a touchdown, and an isolated TD every third week by Stephen Jackson. How could they fuck it up so bad? Get in Rush Limbaugh I say.

Aussie Dwarf Jockey Race "Slammed"

From the Sun

A RACING stunt Down Under featuring dwarf jockeys riding on race goers backs has been slammed by equality groups.

The performance involved the tiny actors being carried on the backs of punters and racing for 50 metres in front of hundreds of baying spectators.

Outraged horse race bosses were fuming over the sick stunt - held at the Cranbourne Cup in Melbourne, Australia - while dwarf groups say it will make life harder for short people.

Jonathon Tripp, head of the Short Statured People's Association, said: "I know people who are actors and do plays and skits for a living but this is more like taking the mickey out of us.

"They could have used real jockeys but they used short-statured people to get more laughs.''

A spokeswoman for Racing Victoria Limited said the event was intended to be "harmless fun".

First off - if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and watch the video....

Next up - the "Short Statured People's Association"? Woeful branding there people. And by the drivel coming out of Jonathan Tripp's mouth, if he's taking decisions at that joint, it's no surprise.

Tripp has just shown a total lack of sensitivty to the feelings of the people he claims to "represent". Get a load of the little bloke who won it - he's ecstatic. It's the moment of his life. Like all little blokes, he couldn't dream of winning a footy grand final or getting drafted to the NBA - he's got to dream about crossing the line first in the big race with the crowd geeing him on. And this is HIS moment - his dream, the unfolding of years of hard work, 5am starts and bruising falls. Look at his determination - maybe a little excessive use of the whip, but he knows what it takes to win.

"Making life harder for short people" - maybe that should be their motto.

And as for these "outraged horse race bosses" - who on earth are they kidding? Just take your mind back to the average race day - they can only put on 7 races a day, and they're 30 minutes apart, and, guess what - they're a total bore.... that's why everyone is degenerate gambling on every race in 6 states, and getting totally inebriated to the point of urinating on one another. Anything to put a spark under that is fine by me.

Tripp OUT.