Easiest money you'll make this week: Colts 8/13 @ Houston Texans. The Texans always find a way to lose under pressure, and save their absolute biggest calamaties for the Colts. No? Don't tell me you've forgetten the Sage Rosentfels helicopter disaster.
Lou - put all your best customers on it.
UPDATE This still holds true at 17-0... all it means is you'll get much better odds.
UPDATE 2 Public's out there throwing darts at a board, sport. I don't throw darts at a board. I bet on sure things. Read Sun Tzu "The Art of War" - "every war is won before it's ever fought."
I am in a muddle. I love two women. One is my ex.-girlfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current girlfriend. Both are lovely women, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?
Wow - where to start?
First - and I can't believe you can spend any time reading my blog and not get this, but you are a complete wet lettuce. Who the fuck describes potential partners as "lovely"? What relevance is who you feel more "spiritually attached to"? I mean, I've got absolutely no faith that even if we figure out the right thing for you to do that you'll have the testicles to make an actual decison, or god forbid, act on it, you pansy.
Second - you didn't provide any information that would be relevant to me making a decision for you. I mean there's no nude photos, there's no cup sizes, no thing shots. But that's OK, I can still steer you in the right direction, because this is an easy one.
Just work your way through this - I'll take you through it step by step. Work through them in this order - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY AN EARLIER REPONSE WITH A LATER RESPONSE... they work only in this order.
OK:
* Is there any chance they'll buy a Hefner-type situaiton where you move them both in? (This only works if you're rich, and they are hot and dumb - otherwise it's just wierd).
* Any chance of getting a three-way before you blow it with one or both of them?
(This only works if you're rich, and they're drunk and dumb - otherwise, it's just wierd).
* Does one of them have A GREAT ASS!!!!?
(If so, and she seems to have habits that will ensure that ass stays great for a while, then we have a winner. Stop right here).
* Does one of them have a fat ass?
(Easy call - eliminate her. If they both have fat asses, eliminate them both and move on - otherwise, it's just awful. Nothing destroys a man's spirit more than a fat ass.)
* Does she say things like "I can't wait to have children"?
(I hope to God I don't have to explain this one to you. Children are wonderful, I'm sure... but if you're good enough to have two women on the hop, they're a real downer.)
* Does one of them talk about her relatives in a way that makes them or their opinions seems important to her, or in a way that seems to indicate you'll be spending a lot of time with her family?
(If so, clear elimination point. Clear recipe for disaster - this will just mean more idiots giving her bad advice, ignoring your advice, and for you to have to attend boring events for. It's just mind-numbing)
* Does one of them give incredible blow-jobs?
(If so, take that one... take her now. You're only going to be getting these until she forces you to marry her, but in the meantime, why the hell would you want an average blow-job - I mean, it's just awful.)
There's no eliminators past that because 1) if the both have average asses and don't give incredible blow-jobs, then you've really got to move on, and 2) it is a statistical impossibility for two women with incredible asses to give great blow-jobs to one man who can't get them both to move in with him, so you've made a mistake somewhere.
OK, so there's some things that you've got to be careful of... things that you see in one, but not the other. Don't be folled by these - if you have seen them in one, it's only a case of "YET":
* spending money on useless things.
* wanting to move along the chess board of a relationship 3 steps before you do.
* having annoying friends.
* watching awful televisions shows.
* refusing to give you a blow job while the game's on.
* insisting you stay in and not go out with your friends.
* setting fire to something of yours when you go on a three day bender.
I'm sure this helped. But if it didn't, send me nude pics of both.
If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site. I’m kidding, there’s only me. And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.
Every now and then, when it amuses me, I like to reply to advice column questions I stole from real media outlets. I'm sure it helps.
I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him.
We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?
Wow… where to start.
Well, I guess I can give you a slight break because you’re only 18, and, whilst clearly thick, can’t be expected to be experienced at these things and therefore irreparably emotionally damaged. I’m assuming if you’re dumb enough to ask this question, it also means you have neither a sober or clean mother and no elder sisters.
And, of course, that’s what I’m here for – and you bet, you came to the right place.
See, this is Chick 101.
First off, you’re obviously either dumb, or ugly or both. If you’re not sure, run this test; if he was drunk, you’re either ugly or both. If you’re hot but dumb, he was sober (if he was drunk, YOU’D have had the options).
Now of course, I can tell because of your story. If you were hot, he’d still be speaking to you – with disrespect, sure, but he’d still be speaking to you. So, you’re not hot. And you’re not smart, because if you were, you wouldn’t be asking this question. Ipso Facto – dumb and ugly.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.
He won’t speak to you because you’re ugly, and he’s got scars from the night in question. Emotional scars. He humped a pig. And he’s hoping his bros won’t find out. Now, he’s clearly no prize either. But only in movies like Juno and things with Seth Rogen in them do ugly dudes get ugly chicks at 18 and live happily ever after. At 18, everyone’s holding out hope still.
So your best chance going forward – leaving the old “fake pregnancy” out and anything illegal like Saw – is to get him drunk and/or stoned again. And keep hanging around and hanging around. Offer to cook, iron. If he’s a ugly dude like you said he was, he’s gonna give in one day. Dudes always do – look around, think your Dad didn’t have better plans than your Mom?
Now girls, the general lesson here – I can’t believe I even have to say it, it’s been pulled on me so many times – is get the commitment BEFORE you sleep with the dude. Don’t be a slut. Here endeth the lesson.
If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site. I’m kidding, there’s only me. And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.
Awkward: When your boss says he wants to make a porn video with you.
Sexually charged comments were an unwelcome part of the job at Ruby Tuesday restaurant in Stroudsburg, according to six women who filed a complaint in U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Pennsylvania. … General Manager Christopher Mendoza made sexually charged remarks to adult and teen female employees…
Gydosh said that from August 2006 onward, Mendoza repeatedly made embarrassing sexual remarks about her body, such as “your breasts look good today” or “your breasts look really nice.” According to the complaint, Mendoza constantly told Gydosh that she was “hot” and that he wanted to “make a porn video” with her. Mendoza propositioned Gydosh, telling her he “wanted to throw her over the counter and (expletive) her,” and repeatedly told her what he would do to her sexually if he were not a married man. In June 2007, Gydosh became ill during her shift and a co-worker asked Mendoza if Gydosh could go home. “All she needs is a good (expletive) up her (expletive), and I’d be good for that,” Mendoza replied.
Mendoza has faced sexual discrimination claims before. In 1999, he was manager of a Denny’s restaurant in Allentown. A hostess accused him of following her around the restaurant with a vibrating sex toy in his pocket, buzzing his genitals and singing to himself.
Here’s one thing I’ve never got with these sexual harassment situations… how did these dudes not get the shit kicked and bashed out of them enough to cure the urge to say that stuff?
I mean every time I – ahh, I mean someone I know - has ever tried the old “your breasts look good today” at work, a bar, or church, it’s been followed by a) a slap across the face, b) a kick to the groin, c) a relative, boyfriend or priest punch to the face.
I can’t even get any sort of amber llight where I can step it up to “make a porn video” or “throw her over the counter and….” I can’t even fill in the expletives on the third level. Am I doing it wrong?
P.S. One thing for sure, I’m not fucking eating at Ruby Tuesdays with this going on. Normally you gotta worry about people spitting in the burgers or cockroaches in the chip fryer, but with this dude buzzing his genitals all day and offering to bend other staff over the counter? Sorry – not even 2-4-1.
Sun Meng has been given the cold shoulder by his community after the extraordinary picture of him cowering naked outside the flat were posted on the internet. The terrified 25-year-old fled from the balcony window when he was caught in bed with the man’s wife at the married couple’s flat in Chengdu, central China. Photographs of the angry showdown, taken by a startled neighbour, were uploaded to a local community website. “My family is ashamed and none of my own neighbours will talk to me any more,” said Sun. “I know what I did was wrong but I was afraid he would kill me. “People are even laughing at how I look naked – but I have to point out it was a very cold day,” he added.
Look, I was talking to Charlie Sheen and Warren Buffett the other day about emerging markets, and Buffett hit it right on the head for me and Charlie. These Asian countries have great raw materials and low labour costs, but it’s dangerous doing business there because of the transparency and the culture. And the old bastard is exactly right.
I mean there’s hookers as far as the eye can see, and they’re as cheap as they come. But it’s not the jackpot you think in Asia. For a start, the hookers can be like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. I mean the dudes over there don’t have Adam’s Apples so you need Level 2 Data to know whether you’re on the right track.
And then if you don’t go the hooker route, you can end up like Sun Meng here, who tried humping his neighbour’s wife, had to stand out on a fucking air-conditioner for who knows how long until hubby calmed down, and then had it posted on the internet.
So these developing markets aren’t the easy returns you think. Remember that next time you’re fumbling through Asian babes… or E-trade.
Al Davis has owned the Raiders since the start. And in that time, they’ve won 3 Superbowls and two more AFC Championships. The terms “Commitment to Excellence” and “Just Win Baby” were made famous by the Raiders. (Can you young 'uns believe that one?)
WHERE IT ALL STARTED TO GO WRONG
Well, Big Al is effectively in charge of personnel. And in free agent and draft terms, that’s been a total disaster.
But worse had been the coaching situation, again, brought about by Big Al.
He hounded the good coaches - Mike Shanahan (two Superbowls in his next job), John Gruden (one Superbowl in his next job and three playoffs with the Raiders) and Lane Kiffin (who he famously fired by overhead projector) - out.
He hired….
Bill Callaghan – who took just two years to short-sheet Gruden’s bed.
Norv Turner – who looked totally aimless on the sideline while the team went 9 and 23.
Art Shell – who hadn’t coached in 12 years and hired a bed-and-breakfast owner as offensive coordinator in going 2-14.
Tom Cable – well he’s still there (not because they’ve started winning of course), but he’s had some strife with accusations of wife, girlfriend and assistant coach beating (in that order we think). Cables strength appears to be that he’s a sycophant.
WHAT THEY DID TO GET SO GOOD THIS YEAR
If you’ve been following our weekly updates (and I know you haven’t from the WebStats I get), or if you have any knowledge of the NFL, you’ll know they can’t draft, annually have their pants pulled down in a trade with the Patriots, overpay free agents they then have to release (Javon Walker, De’Angelo Hall), and Cable himself seems to be, in head coaching terms, as dumb as a box of rocks.
WHERE THEY ARE NOW
They’re 2-7. One of those games they beat the Eagles…. No-one’s got any fucking idea how that happened, but it’s surely gambling-related.
But the best is almost certainly yet to come. No-one dogs a game like the Raiders. If it looks a little tough early, they’re packing up. Wait until it starts to get cold, they’re gonna really stink.
WEEK 10
2007 1st Round Draft Pick: 8 of 23, SIXTY-FOUR yards
2008 1st Round Draft Pick: No longer injured in theory, 4 carries ELEVEN yards.
2009 1st Round Draft Pick: ONE catch, 22 yards
Was this against the '78 Steelers, or the '00 Ravens you ask?
No, no - the Chiefs, Kansas City Chiefs.
They finally benched Russell, but who knows for how long? They're going to have to start again at coach and quarterback again, and they're not much beyond "serviceable" on that entire offense, line and skill positions.
At least no-one's gonna try to get them to move from Oakland again.
Las Vegas Sun- Even the men who hand out “nude girls direct to your room” cards stopped their hawking long enough to do some gawking at the “stripper-mobile” as it rolled down the Strip on Monday night. It’s akin to a small U-Haul truck but with Plexiglas surrounding the brightly lit cargo area instead of walls. In the middle is a gleaming stripper pole. Swinging around the pole is a scantily clad young woman. Two of her fellow strippers are in the back of the truck too, awaiting their turns. Puttering up and down Las Vegas Boulevard on Monday night, it was photographed by nearly everyone it pulled alongside, from CityCenter construction workers to an SUV-load of 20-somethings from Colorado.
Wow.
This is one of those things that once it's invented, you go "shit, why didn't I think of that?"
It's just genius all the way. The name, "Stripper-mobile". A gleaming stripper pole. Scantily clad young woman. Two fellow strippers waiting their turn.
People who haven't been to Vegas always ask me how it could go from being a desert stop-off for GI's to the fastest growing city in America, and literally I think, heaven on earth. Obviously I don't answer them, because what sort of asshole over the age of 21 hasn't been to Vegas? Fuck them. There's no excuse for wasting your life like that, especially with the internet. These people are just destined to be losers.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. This is the simplest, yet greatest thing of all time. I mean it beats out the sunshade on the car, toilet paper, the toilet, the rissole (just), and is in a tie for first place with the wet t-shirt competition.
But just a word of caution. If you look beyond the picture and first paragraph of the article (it took 9 reads and 4 days for me to do it, I was so enamored by the genius of it), you'll find there's an asshole or two who want to ban it.
Fuck. Me. Dead. Did they not hear that it had doubled business at the Deja Vu and Little Darlings clubs? In a recession!?!?!? There are safety precautions being taken you dickheads - the costumes are skin-tight to prevent wardrobe malfunctiona!
I've never understood why people would want to run for public office. No more drink driving, no more hookers, no more strip bars, and a real job. But it's just hit me. It's to protect our way of life from these interfering, hate-mongering, progress-molesting hethens. If I wasn't too busy reading stories about strippers and pole dancers, I'd consider getting out there and serving my country.
Police said a woman threatened her husband with a 7-inch knife after he threw away her bottle of vodka as she slept in their suburban Detroit home. Clawson police Lt. Scott Sarvello told The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak the man returned home from work Sunday night to find his wife sleeping with a bottle of vodka. He threw away the bottle. Sarvello said the 34-year-old woman woke up, argued with her husband, went back to sleep, then got up again and grabbed a knife from the kitchen to force him to get her vodka or give her the car keys. Police said the man held her at bay with a chair while he called 911. She was arrested and found to have a blood-alcohol level of 0.23 percent. She was arraigned Tuesday on a felony charge of assault with a dangerous weapon.
Jeez, if I had a pound for every time my wife pulled a knife on me and I had to hold her off with a chair while I called 911, I'd have enough money to move to a country that wasn't full of ugly people.
And as you can imagine, there were numerous times it was over alcohol (mine). Sometimes it was over pornography (she found it). Sometimes (actually, an inordinate amount of time) it was over the TV, namely, my abuse of the shit she was watching. Occasionally it was about snoring. Mostly it was when I was 8 to 14 hours late home for a meal (hitting deadlines was not my strong suit).
But the cops were always total professionals. No-one ever breathalysed her and charged her with felony assault. These cops clearly don't understand domestic issues. Standard operating procedure in my experience is to calm her down with a slap or two, and then 15 minutes in the cuffs. Sure, the first 5 or 10, she's still screaming, but I can promise she's bawling to get out after 15.
So while we do get Cols-Patriots this weekend, we also get Chiefs-Raiders. Definitely watch it.
How about this?
The Chiefs are the only 2009 team without a rushing TD; Oakland has given up 13. The Chiefs have given up 12 passing plays of 40-plus yards; the Raiders have a QB with a 48.3 rating. The Chiefs have amassed 2,231 yards and given up 3,172; the Raiders have amassed 1,793 yards and given up 3,086. The Chiefs have given up 30 sacks; the Raiders have turned the ball over 25 times.
This is no recent phenomenon. The Raiders have lost 77 of their last 103. The Chiefs have lost 30 of their last 33. You know I love coaches and quarterbacks, right? They’ve got a bit of a rolling combination of inept and insane going in the coaching department
Haley’s fucking bonkers, but in an angry, pet-thrashing way – Herm Edwards was batshit in a basket-weaving way. Tom Cable seems to have a somewhat problematic temper problem (we’re not talking drunken bar fights here, but spouses, girlfriends and staff) to go with no idea how to run a football team, but even he’s better than Art fucking Shell. Now obviously that just demonstrates a clear belief that coachers have no effect on winning (which is a view, and even if it’s a stupid one, many people hold it, especially those who have been coached by Dick Vermeil). Mostly, the smart ones are problematic pain in the asses who annoy ownership. And if you’ve got a couple o’ billion, who’s putting up with people who are adamant they know what they’re talking about?
But who the fuck is picking these quarterbacks? JaMarcus Russell is so enjoyable I follow him weekly. His first half against the Giants was the most entertaining thing I’ve seen this season. His back-up is Bruce Gadkowski, last seen been screamed at like a thieving child by Jon Gruden. The Chiefs spent $60 million on Matt Cassell, who spent no less than seven years on the pine before being propped up for a season by Bill Belichick. Their only excuse is they were grading on a Bell Curve, and compared the league minimum earners Tyler Thigpen and Brodie Coyle to someone who completed a couple of hundred passes in a spread offense.
Anyway, in the NFL, if you can’t get your coach and quarterback right, you’re fucked. For. Life.
In Brazil, famed for its tiny bikinis and carefree attitude, a university student has been expelled after violent protests by students outraged at the short outfit she wore on campus. The Universidade Bandeirante (Uniban) said it had expelled the student, Geysi Villa Nova Arruda, 20, for “flagrant disrespect of ethical principles, academic dignity and morality,” in a statement published in some Sunday newspapers. Her dress sparked student protests on October 22 in this largely Roman Catholic country. A video showed Arruda sitting in a classroom in a mid-thigh length red dress, then six military police officers protecting her as she left the campus wearing a white jacket. A line of students stood by chanting “whore.”
Woah, woah, woah, woah.
Obviously these means we’re taking the Olympics off them, right?
I mean the entire reason they got the Olympics was those thong shots on the beach in Rio. Tokyo, Madrid and Chicago spent millions on promotion and feasibility studies and bribes and one of them elected Obama. Rio just held up eight different photographs of women on the beach in Rio, cost them 20 real. Easy.
Anyway, that much is obvious – no Olympics. Expect Samaranch to come out of retirement to make the announcement any day, the silly old bastard.
But I don’t think that’s going far enough – personally, I think we’ve got to invade. SIX MILITARY OFFICERS escort her out of the school, while the students line up and call her whore? (Or to be accurate, “prostituta” in Portugese for those of you planning to travel there – it wasn’t in my guidebook).
I’d demand some immediate clarification from President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, and if it doesn’t come up that think was an aberration, I’m going to have to demand a military insurrection.
P.S. They ever had anything that looked like that at your university? Can't believe I didn't consider Brazil.
Every now and then, when it amuses me, I like to reply to advice column questions I stole from real media outlets. I'm sure it helps.
Dear John Milton,
My husband and I have an almost non-existent sex life; we're lucky if we make love once a year. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just says he doesn't have a very high libido, and he doesn't want to discuss it with anyone.
Three weeks ago, an attractive younger man in my office asked me out for a drink after work. We went to the pub and, in short, he said he wanted to have a 'no-strings' affair with me.
The truth is I can't see many reasons not to, although I worry about my two teenage children finding out.
Name and email address withheld.
Heh – I like this one. There isn’t even a question – she’s just bragging.
“The truth is I can’t see many reasons not to.” Which were the ones you did see, you trollop?
Wow. Where to start?
First off, clearly your husband is already cheating on you, or he is an unattractive man himself. Obviously he’s masturbating a fair bit - I don’t care what he says about his libido, no male has one so low they’re having an orgasm once a year (that’s termed a disability). Now if he’s not a total train wreck – if he has a job, combs his hair, owns deodorant, can fit into an economy airline seat - he’s cheating on you already. If he is a total train wreck, and he’s not accepting sex from you, well…. You see where I’m going with this right?
Second, I like your description of the dude: “attractive, younger man”. Of course, it’s obvious what you mean: “first man to look at me in 15 years.” And, bombed on sambucca, he says he wants to have a “no strings affair”. Steep learning curve ahead. YOU are the reason your husband is dodging you with the “low libido” excuse. You are not too good in some way, shape and/or form. This guy, I can promise you safely, will have one go and find an obscure reason why it can’t go on.
So on that note, I doubt there’s much risk of the teenage kids finding out, unless you film it and put it on the internet, or go batshit at the dude on Facebook after stupidly adding your kids as friends.
I don’t know – I’m on the fence with this one. I gotta be upfront and say I really don’t like you, so do whatever makes you least happy.
If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site. I’m kidding, there’s only me. And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.
'I think to have a really good team in this league, you have to make a lot, a lot of good decisions. You have to have a lot of good people, players, coaches, whatever. You need a lot of those. Conversely, to not be competitive, you would have to have a lot of bad decisions. One bad decision is not going to do it, one bad player is not going to do it, one bad coach is not going to do it. You’re going to have to collectively, over a cumulative period of time, make a long series of bad decisions and accumulate a lot of players who are substandard for their position. There have to be a multitude of things that go wrong.'
'Jimmy Johnson once said to me: “You’re really only competing with about 10 teams a year. If you just say out of the way, the other 20 teams will screw it up themselves. Whether it’s ownership or personnel or coaching or some combination of factors.” Ego, internal struggle, something will happen to two-thirds of the teams, that was Jimmy’s theory. That leaves you with about 10 teams that you’re going to have to really battle with. Those teams have it together. They’re going to make good decisions and if you play bad football, they’re going to take advantage of it.”'
Go Patriots.
UPDATE
Well, you might not rate that as the best win of all time, but could Miami have done any more or play any better than that? No turnovers, introduced the "White-cat", played good run defense, played great coverage, Henne was accurate - just a really good, professional game from the Fish. Except for Joey Porter.
As for the Patriots, how many wins have they had like that since 2001 huh? Fifty? Chess, motherfucker.
A LUCKLESS romeo has sued cosmetics firm Lynx after he failed to land a girlfriend during seven years of using their products. Indian Vaibhav Bedi, 26, is seeking £50,000 from parent company Unilever for the “depression and psychological damage” caused by the lack of any Lynx effect. Court officials in New Delhi have accepted dozens of half-used body washes, shampoos, anti-perspirants and hair gels for forensic tests.
Lynx – marketed as Axe in India – is famous for its saucy ads showing barely clothed women throwing themselves at men. Vaibhav said in his court petition: “The company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.”
Yeah, I'm ruling in favour of Unilever here. This motherfucker is uglier than a farm animal, and no degree of deodorisers or body washers is gonna help that. And he's obviously as dumb as dogshit thinking it would, so that's not going to help him either.
And on that note, who the fuck sues anyone for £50k? Unilever make £3 billion a year, dickhead. You want to get some attention, you've got to sue for 7 figures minimum.
P.S. If you're Unilever, what's the simplest way to win this case? Spend a load on legal fees defending it? Or spend 150 rupees on a hooker to "miraculously" hook up with him, saying it was the Axe that did it? I tell you, I should be a corporate executive. We'd still all be smoking if I was.
