Friday 20 November 2009

Dear John Milton: Guy Slept With Me and Now Won't Talk to Me Shocker




Every now and then, when it amuses me, I like to reply to advice column questions I stole from real media outlets.  I'm sure it helps.



I am 18 and a student.  I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since.  I have totally fallen for him.
We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy.  Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?


Wow… where to start.

Well, I guess I can give you a slight break because you’re only 18, and, whilst clearly thick, can’t be expected to be experienced at these things and therefore irreparably emotionally damaged.  I’m assuming if you’re dumb enough to ask this question, it also means you have neither a sober or clean mother and no elder sisters.

And, of course, that’s what I’m here for – and you bet, you came to the right place.
See, this is Chick 101.

First off, you’re obviously either dumb, or ugly or both.  If you’re not sure, run this test; if he was drunk, you’re either ugly or both.  If you’re hot but dumb, he was sober (if he was drunk, YOU’D have had the options). 

Now of course, I can tell because of your story.  If you were hot, he’d still be speaking to you – with disrespect, sure, but he’d still be speaking to you.  So, you’re not hot.  And you’re not smart, because if you were, you wouldn’t be asking this question.  Ipso Facto – dumb and ugly.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah.

He won’t speak to you because you’re ugly, and he’s got scars from the night in question.  Emotional scars.  He humped a pig.  And he’s hoping his bros won’t find out.  Now, he’s clearly no prize either.  But only in movies like Juno and things with Seth Rogen in them do ugly dudes get ugly chicks at 18 and live happily ever after.  At 18, everyone’s holding out hope still. 

So your best chance going forward – leaving the old “fake pregnancy” out and anything illegal like Saw – is to get him drunk and/or stoned again.  And keep hanging around and hanging around.  Offer to cook, iron.  If he’s a ugly dude like you said he was, he’s gonna give in one day.  Dudes always do – look around, think your Dad didn’t have better plans than your Mom? 

Now girls, the general lesson here – I can’t believe I even have to say it, it’s been pulled on me so many times – is get the commitment BEFORE you sleep with the dude.  Don’t be a slut.  Here endeth the lesson.  


If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site.  I’m kidding, there’s only me.  And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.

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