Dear John Milton: Extra-Marital Affair?

Every now and then, when it amuses me, I like to reply to advice column questions I stole from real media outlets.  I'm sure it helps.

Dear John Milton,

My husband and I have an almost non-existent sex life; we're lucky if we make love once a year. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just says he doesn't have a very high libido, and he doesn't want to discuss it with anyone.

Three weeks ago, an attractive younger man in my office asked me out for a drink after work. We went to the pub and, in short, he said he wanted to have a 'no-strings' affair with me.

The truth is I can't see many reasons not to, although I worry about my two teenage children finding out.

Name and email address withheld.

Heh – I like this one.  There isn’t even a question – she’s just bragging.

“The truth is I can’t see many reasons not to.”  Which were the ones you did see, you trollop?

Wow.  Where to start? 

First off, clearly your husband is already cheating on you, or he is an unattractive man himself.  Obviously he’s masturbating a fair bit - I don’t care what he says about his libido, no male has one so low they’re having an orgasm once a year (that’s termed a disability).  Now if he’s not a total train wreck – if he has a job, combs his hair, owns deodorant, can fit into an economy airline seat - he’s cheating on you already.  If he is a total train wreck, and he’s not accepting sex from you, well…. You see where I’m going with this right?

Second, I like your description of the dude: “attractive, younger man”.  Of course, it’s obvious what you mean: “first man to look at me in 15 years.”  And, bombed on sambucca, he says he wants to have a “no strings affair”.   Steep learning curve ahead.  YOU are the reason your husband is dodging you with the “low libido” excuse.  You are not too good in some way, shape and/or form.  This guy, I can promise you safely, will have one go and find an obscure reason why it can’t go on.

So on that note, I doubt there’s much risk of the teenage kids finding out, unless you film it and put it on the internet, or go batshit at the dude on Facebook after stupidly adding your kids as friends.

I don’t know – I’m on the fence with this one.  I gotta be upfront and say I really don’t like you, so do whatever makes you least happy.

If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site.  I’m kidding, there’s only me.  And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.