One Dozen Turds

This is the worst season in memory for bad teams in the NFL. Before the season it looked bad, but over the past decade or so, teams have been leaping from the bowl to produce miracle seasons that restore faith – from the Rams in 99, the Patriots in 01, the Panthers in 03, all the way to the Falcons and Dolphins last year.

Not this year – with the exceptions of the Broncos, if they looked terrible pre-season, they have STAYED terrible. And it looks like its going to be epic. These dozen are shit, were out of contention by week 4, and there are five of the worst teams you’ll ever see.

WASHINGTON (2-3). Last week: 20-17 loss at Carolina, pissed away a 2-touchdown lead. Only wins came against unfathomly shite Rams and Bucs. Managed somehow to lose against Detroit, which no-one else has come close to doing in 18 months. Don’t be confused by their seemingly mediocre 2-3 record – they will get seriously worse when they commence playing some teams NOT on this list.

JACKSONVILLE (2-3). Last week: 41-0 loss at Seattle. Unsure how that is possible. The four most annoying teams in the league are Jacksonville, Houston, Tennessee and Carolina – but I’ll bore myself and my no readers another week about that.

HOUSTON (2-3). Last week: 28-21 loss at Arizona. Inexplicably managed to lose the game against Arizona three time – letting them out to 21-0, throwing an interception for a touchdown when they’d tied the score, then being unable to score 3 times from a yard out. Juuuust useless.

CAROLINA (1-3). Last week: 20-17 win vs. Washington. Couldn’t even bear to watch highlights of this. Unsure how you can only beat Washington by 3 without Delhomme throwing 5 interceptions.

BUFFALO (1-4). Last week: 6-3 loss vs. Cleveland. OK, it was windy, but this was the worst game I’ve ever seen. Trent Edwards threw a marvelous interception trying to decide between throwing the ball away out of the pocket, ignoring open receivers or throwing it at the only double-covered defender. Regressing badly despite having Lee Evans and Terrell Owens to throw to. He, though, was NOT the worst quarterback on the field.

DETROIT (1-4). Last week: 28-20 loss to Pittsburgh. The game was not remotely that close. Still suck – NOT showing signs of improvement.

CLEVELAND (1-4). Last week: 6-3 win at Buffalo. Anderson completed 2 (TWO!) of seventeen passes. My grandmother would have only done two worse; she’s been dead 13 years. The week before he played half a game and threw 3 interceptions. He replaced a bloke who was worse. These idiots traded away from the Mark Sanchez spot, and have since traded Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. It’s possible that they are actively trying to get worse – only explanation.

TENNESSEE (0-5). Last week: 31-9 loss vs. Indianapolis. That was awful from what is theoretically a good team that won 13 games in 2008. Now going back to last season, haven’t won a game in 8 starts since beating the Super Bowl winners away. Have been a yo-yo franchise forever. Something’s gotta change. Hilarity could be coming with another round of “The Vince Young Era”.

KANSAS CITY (0-5). Last week, 26-20 loss vs. Dallas (OT). Well, that had some respectability at least, but they’ve lost 28 of their last 30 games, 13 of them by a touchdown or less. Sounds like they’re close right? Doubt it – think teams just get bored in KC.

OAKLAND (1-4). Last week: 44-7 loss at N.Y. Giants. The 1pm slate was so bad last week, I watched this on Gamepass, purely for comedy value. Now people are giving Russell a hard time, largely because of the stats he’s (not) putting up. Well those stats don’t do him justice – he’s much worse. His fumbles looked like he hadn’t been informed that the opposition tries to chase and sack you. He looks lazy, slow, apathetic - so would I sitting on $60m.

TAMPA BAY (0-5). Last week: 33-14 loss at Philadelphia. These guys have totally fucked the dog. Whether or not you thought Gruden should go, what’s happening there now is not the solution. Pick out a win on their schedule for me, will you?

ST. LOUIS (0-5). Last week: 38-10 loss vs. Minnesota. I haven’t seen a game these blokes have played this year or last. See the odd highlight of a strip-sack by their opponent being returned for a touchdown, and an isolated TD every third week by Stephen Jackson. How could they fuck it up so bad? Get in Rush Limbaugh I say.