Easiest money you'll make this week: Colts 8/13 @ Houston Texans. The Texans always find a way to lose under pressure, and save their absolute biggest calamaties for the Colts. No? Don't tell me you've forgetten the Sage Rosentfels helicopter disaster.
Lou - put all your best customers on it.
UPDATE This still holds true at 17-0... all it means is you'll get much better odds.
UPDATE 2 Public's out there throwing darts at a board, sport. I don't throw darts at a board. I bet on sure things. Read Sun Tzu "The Art of War" - "every war is won before it's ever fought."
I am in a muddle. I love two women. One is my ex.-girlfriend who wants to come back to me, the other is my current girlfriend. Both are lovely women, but feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I am unable to make a decision. Do you have any tips?
Wow - where to start?
First - and I can't believe you can spend any time reading my blog and not get this, but you are a complete wet lettuce. Who the fuck describes potential partners as "lovely"? What relevance is who you feel more "spiritually attached to"? I mean, I've got absolutely no faith that even if we figure out the right thing for you to do that you'll have the testicles to make an actual decison, or god forbid, act on it, you pansy.
Second - you didn't provide any information that would be relevant to me making a decision for you. I mean there's no nude photos, there's no cup sizes, no thing shots. But that's OK, I can still steer you in the right direction, because this is an easy one.
Just work your way through this - I'll take you through it step by step. Work through them in this order - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY AN EARLIER REPONSE WITH A LATER RESPONSE... they work only in this order.
OK:
* Is there any chance they'll buy a Hefner-type situaiton where you move them both in? (This only works if you're rich, and they are hot and dumb - otherwise it's just wierd).
* Any chance of getting a three-way before you blow it with one or both of them?
(This only works if you're rich, and they're drunk and dumb - otherwise, it's just wierd).
* Does one of them have A GREAT ASS!!!!?
(If so, and she seems to have habits that will ensure that ass stays great for a while, then we have a winner. Stop right here).
* Does one of them have a fat ass?
(Easy call - eliminate her. If they both have fat asses, eliminate them both and move on - otherwise, it's just awful. Nothing destroys a man's spirit more than a fat ass.)
* Does she say things like "I can't wait to have children"?
(I hope to God I don't have to explain this one to you. Children are wonderful, I'm sure... but if you're good enough to have two women on the hop, they're a real downer.)
* Does one of them talk about her relatives in a way that makes them or their opinions seems important to her, or in a way that seems to indicate you'll be spending a lot of time with her family?
(If so, clear elimination point. Clear recipe for disaster - this will just mean more idiots giving her bad advice, ignoring your advice, and for you to have to attend boring events for. It's just mind-numbing)
* Does one of them give incredible blow-jobs?
(If so, take that one... take her now. You're only going to be getting these until she forces you to marry her, but in the meantime, why the hell would you want an average blow-job - I mean, it's just awful.)
There's no eliminators past that because 1) if the both have average asses and don't give incredible blow-jobs, then you've really got to move on, and 2) it is a statistical impossibility for two women with incredible asses to give great blow-jobs to one man who can't get them both to move in with him, so you've made a mistake somewhere.
OK, so there's some things that you've got to be careful of... things that you see in one, but not the other. Don't be folled by these - if you have seen them in one, it's only a case of "YET":
* spending money on useless things.
* wanting to move along the chess board of a relationship 3 steps before you do.
* having annoying friends.
* watching awful televisions shows.
* refusing to give you a blow job while the game's on.
* insisting you stay in and not go out with your friends.
* setting fire to something of yours when you go on a three day bender.
I'm sure this helped. But if it didn't, send me nude pics of both.
If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site. I’m kidding, there’s only me. And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.
Every now and then, when it amuses me, I like to reply to advice column questions I stole from real media outlets. I'm sure it helps.
I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him.
We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?
Wow… where to start.
Well, I guess I can give you a slight break because you’re only 18, and, whilst clearly thick, can’t be expected to be experienced at these things and therefore irreparably emotionally damaged. I’m assuming if you’re dumb enough to ask this question, it also means you have neither a sober or clean mother and no elder sisters.
And, of course, that’s what I’m here for – and you bet, you came to the right place.
See, this is Chick 101.
First off, you’re obviously either dumb, or ugly or both. If you’re not sure, run this test; if he was drunk, you’re either ugly or both. If you’re hot but dumb, he was sober (if he was drunk, YOU’D have had the options).
Now of course, I can tell because of your story. If you were hot, he’d still be speaking to you – with disrespect, sure, but he’d still be speaking to you. So, you’re not hot. And you’re not smart, because if you were, you wouldn’t be asking this question. Ipso Facto – dumb and ugly.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.
He won’t speak to you because you’re ugly, and he’s got scars from the night in question. Emotional scars. He humped a pig. And he’s hoping his bros won’t find out. Now, he’s clearly no prize either. But only in movies like Juno and things with Seth Rogen in them do ugly dudes get ugly chicks at 18 and live happily ever after. At 18, everyone’s holding out hope still.
So your best chance going forward – leaving the old “fake pregnancy” out and anything illegal like Saw – is to get him drunk and/or stoned again. And keep hanging around and hanging around. Offer to cook, iron. If he’s a ugly dude like you said he was, he’s gonna give in one day. Dudes always do – look around, think your Dad didn’t have better plans than your Mom?
Now girls, the general lesson here – I can’t believe I even have to say it, it’s been pulled on me so many times – is get the commitment BEFORE you sleep with the dude. Don’t be a slut. Here endeth the lesson.
If you’d like some of this sparkling advice, email us here at the site. I’m kidding, there’s only me. And I’ll answer it whenever I feel like it.
Awkward: When your boss says he wants to make a porn video with you.
Sexually charged comments were an unwelcome part of the job at Ruby Tuesday restaurant in Stroudsburg, according to six women who filed a complaint in U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Pennsylvania. … General Manager Christopher Mendoza made sexually charged remarks to adult and teen female employees…
Gydosh said that from August 2006 onward, Mendoza repeatedly made embarrassing sexual remarks about her body, such as “your breasts look good today” or “your breasts look really nice.” According to the complaint, Mendoza constantly told Gydosh that she was “hot” and that he wanted to “make a porn video” with her. Mendoza propositioned Gydosh, telling her he “wanted to throw her over the counter and (expletive) her,” and repeatedly told her what he would do to her sexually if he were not a married man. In June 2007, Gydosh became ill during her shift and a co-worker asked Mendoza if Gydosh could go home. “All she needs is a good (expletive) up her (expletive), and I’d be good for that,” Mendoza replied.
Mendoza has faced sexual discrimination claims before. In 1999, he was manager of a Denny’s restaurant in Allentown. A hostess accused him of following her around the restaurant with a vibrating sex toy in his pocket, buzzing his genitals and singing to himself.
Here’s one thing I’ve never got with these sexual harassment situations… how did these dudes not get the shit kicked and bashed out of them enough to cure the urge to say that stuff?
I mean every time I – ahh, I mean someone I know - has ever tried the old “your breasts look good today” at work, a bar, or church, it’s been followed by a) a slap across the face, b) a kick to the groin, c) a relative, boyfriend or priest punch to the face.
I can’t even get any sort of amber llight where I can step it up to “make a porn video” or “throw her over the counter and….” I can’t even fill in the expletives on the third level. Am I doing it wrong?
P.S. One thing for sure, I’m not fucking eating at Ruby Tuesdays with this going on. Normally you gotta worry about people spitting in the burgers or cockroaches in the chip fryer, but with this dude buzzing his genitals all day and offering to bend other staff over the counter? Sorry – not even 2-4-1.
